


rainy nights in the city

by icosae



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: :(, Angst, Character Death, Death, Fluff and Angst, I reread this and edited out the grammar errors lol, I'm Sorry, It hurt to write this low-key, M/M, Suicide, Unrequited Love, big sad, listen to listen before I go slowed while reading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:21:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25797343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icosae/pseuds/icosae
Summary: “I’m going to die,” he realized. He already knew, of course, but now he could feel his stomach drop as he prepared to take a step forward, he could hear his breath quicken with adrenaline and the hot tears running down his face with the warm fall rain. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as he saw his leg rise into the air, as if in slow motion. It didn’t seem real that he was doing this.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 7
Kudos: 56





	rainy nights in the city

**Author's Note:**

> https://youtu.be/a2K8NZkXoiA listen to this while reading if you'd like :]

He stands at the top of the building, staring down at the city lights, wondering, “if I jumped, would the neon lights look like stars?” He sat down, swinging his legs over the edge. It was beautiful. He could see the lights reflect off the glass of the building below him. He looked down, and his body jolted, reminding him that his body was still desperately trying to keep him alive. The rain was pattering down, on the people below, people that were oblivious of the battle going on inside his mind. People that were going about their day, rushing to go home, opening their umbrellas, and crossing the busy sidewalks. 

The lights were so beautiful at night, shining in the face of the never-ending darkness of the universe. How many worlds had to be constructed and rebuilt for him to see those beautiful yellow lights? Perhaps the stars would be more fitting, but it seemed right for him to be bathed in the artificial glow of human civilization. 

He laughs, what a joke he was, contemplating if he should die when no one cared. Maybe they say they do, but he knew better. When he looked into their eyes, he knew that he was nothing but a burden on their shoulders. 

He extended a hand to catch the rain. he was soaked, but he found that he couldn’t care less. Inside, he knew that he was just stalling, waiting, desperately waiting for someone to come to try and convince him to not do it. He also knew that no one would come. He inhaled the fresh scent of rain, thinking that this might be one of the last breathes he would take. 

He looked down at the city again, the sound of the bustling world beneath his feet. “What would Killua think when he heard?” he thought, “maybe there’s an afterlife.” Despite what he tried to tell himself, he loved Killua. He loved him, it hurt to know that his Killua didn’t care. He loved him so much, and he was too much of a coward to tell him in person. He tried to call him in tears, but he didn’t pick up. He had laughed then. “Perhaps I should leave a voicemail,” he pondered as his tears dripped down onto his phone, mixing in with the rain. 

He gave a bitter laugh, deciding against it, “what does it matter anyway.” He had never thought of what it was like after death before, just yearning for the escape from the dread that was life. Perhaps now would be a good time to think of it, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t even want to think. “How is it that this is supposed to be the easy way out, even though it’s so hard to actually do it?” Choking on his laugh, he started tearing up again. 

“I’m sorry,” he said aloud. Taking a deep breath, he stood up on the edge of the rooftop. He wanted to be free. He wanted to see what it would be like to fly without wings. From the days as a child, swinging on the makeshift swings from vines into the lake, he has wanted to feel the air around him rush him to the ground. 

He could feel the wind in his damp hair, he was really doing this. He looked back for a moment to see his shoes set by the door. He could easily slip them on again, to walk back to his city apartment like none of this ever happened. No one would know a thing once he put his mask back on. Sometimes he wished that people could see through his mask, but no one has. He had built it so that he could make friends as someone different from who he truly was. He succeeded. He doesn’t even know who he is anymore if he’s not his mask. He felt his phone slip from his hand and impacting to the concrete roof. 

“I’m going to die,” he realized. He already knew, of course, but now he could feel his stomach drop as he prepared to take a step forward, he could hear his breath quicken with adrenaline and the hot tears running down his face with the warm fall rain. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as he saw his leg rise into the air, as if in slow motion. It didn’t seem real that he was doing this. 

“What would Killua think of me now?” he wondered, “Would he try to stop me?” 

\------

I take the step, and suddenly. I’m falling. I’m flying. It’s happening. The world is spinning and the lights are but streaks in my vision. I close my eyes. I think I might regret it, but I can’t take it back. But then again, I can’t take back anything I’ve done. From the flick of a wrist to a press of a button, nothing could be taken back in life, you just had to live with it. How cruel life was.

From the moment that I began to love you, I knew I had no chance, but I’m stubborn and stupid, so I didn’t give up. I don’t know why I held out hope. It was never meant to be, no matter how hard I tried, you would never love me as I did you. I wanted to do nothing more than drown in your eyes, so much like the ocean. You know, they remind me of the Titanic somehow. I know it's melodramatic, but it seemed as if anything could sink into your eyes. I love the way your hair shines like snow in the morning sun, and how your nose scrunches up when you start waking up. I remember that morning when the light hit your face just right and I knew that I was already too far gone. I remember how your eyes looked like the clear beaches of whale island with the sun shining on them. Your hair cast such a beautiful shade of shadows on your skin and you could see each strand of snow-white hair. You were so beautiful. You are still so beautiful, Killua. I could see the reflection of myself in your eyes. I fell that much harder for you that day. After all, how could I resist?

It felt as if I was looking at pure art. 

Perhaps this is all because you're my first love. They do say that you never truly stop loving your first. How I desperately wished it wasn't true. 

I didn’t feel the peace I thought there would be, but I can’t change anything anymore. I can’t breathe. All I can think about is you, even in my last moments. I try to laugh but I can’t. You would call me pathetic, I know it. And suddenly nothing matters anymore. I accepted death a long time ago I think, it was just a game of when I’d die. Everything was just a game. 

Even if it was just a game, still, I wanted to be your player 2 a little more. I wanted to be friends for a little longer. I wanted to look you in the eyes and laugh together day after day. You made me happy, truly happy, even if my mask was talking for me. Every time you laughed and smiled something squeezed my heart. You were perfect in every way, from the way your eyes reflected the stars at night to the carefree way you walked. You were too perfect. You were something I would never be able to fully reach.

What a joke I was, chasing after something -someone- so unattainable.

I could hear the whistling of the wind in my ear. Everything was going to end. I’m fine with it. I just kinda wish I got to see you again before it all ends though. My first friend. My first love.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading


End file.
